ILY

Something you said today really struck a chord with me. I guess it was sort of your personal definition of drama. You defined my drama as "Trying to make you feel bad"

You're right

youre absolutely right I am 100% guilty of trying to make you feel bad and I'm really ashamed to admit it.

I have never consciously decided or plotted how to go out of my way to make you feel bad but looking back I can pinpoint hundreds of ocassions inwhich I felt strongly compelled to share my misery with you and often coupled with bitter feelings that you were part of my pain.

I see myself as a very confused and hurting person who grabbed out for help and scratched the shit out of you while my arms flailed about. I never intended to hurt you Marty I"m selfish and weak like everyone else.

Every combination of words I use is lame and does not express what I want to express to you, my apologies and my wish to suddenly be the sort of person who doesn't do this, who does not sabotage things.

I want to express my acknowledgment of everything you have done for me, How you have been there for me and believed in me and loved me and encouraged me through the most difficult shit of my life. There are NO fucking words that can convey such a thing, only actions. Actions I superceded with shitty hurtful ones.

I don't want to be alone when Im hurt and scared and I tried to drag you into my pain so I wouldnt have to be and that was wrong and im sorrry

sorry means nothing
its a fucking word and it means nothing and I fear I won't be strong enough to be the friend I should be
to never ever try and make you feel bad

I want so much to only ever make you smile, to only be a source of happy thoughts and memories and time and time again I fail.


I guess i want you to know that I"m still trying
I haven't given up.

You say I act as though I live in a movie. I feel as though I do. I really feel like I do. They have a fancy name for it, disassociative disorder, or some shit. I don't buy into that crap I think it's an excuse for shitty behaviour but I promise you what is not an excuse is the very real inability to snap my fingers and not feel like everything is a movie. I Spent too many years of my childhood hiding in this fantasy world that I was the star of a show and that's why all this crazy shit was happening in my life, so that the show would be interesting, because that was easier to swallow than, the truth. I spent too many years playing the part and i forgot how to be any other way.,I know you didnt really mean it literally but I do, during high stress situations particularily my head swims and nothing is really real.

I don't want to any more I don't want to always be in a movie, I don't want to always be dramatic and cause people pain nor do I want to be a boring norm, I am searching for a balance.

I haven't given up

you win

Dear Justin

he's everything good that youre not
hes everything I wanted that you will never be
he's who I waited my entire life for

You win anyway though dont you?

finding him means nothing when it ends like this.

In large part due to my own fuckups
in small part due to your existance in my life
your abuse to my mind and body
you contributed
I chose to act the way I did but you contributed,
you had a part to play
you win

I found him and pushed him away
you win

[19:15] Ashley Paine: i just feel like puking
[19:16] Johahn Yeah, I feel a little like that
[19:16] Ashley Paine: ;/
[19:16] Ashley Paine: its over
[19:16] AshleyPaine: hes really over me
[19:17] Johahn I think so
[19:17] AshleyPaine: im the saddest girl in the world



Miscommunication: the bane of any relationship. It's almost funny how wrong you are about me. Refusing to go on any poseballs because you thought I'd be jealous. Gimme a fucking break.

The only time I've ever had a problem with ANYTHING you do with other girls is if it's something you're avoiding me to do, or won't do with me.

All I've ever wanted was to feel like I am special to you, and for the most part I do.

Or did..

I'm clearly not special to you any more and haven't been for a while. That hurts more then you'll ever know. Always..

it's like everything we went through was in my head, like you say. I'm no more or less important to you than anyone else.

I miss knowing you were thinking about me
I miss getting phonecalls from you
I miss sharing all of our secrets

why am I unable to stop clinging to the past?
I keep hoping if I suffer enough, if I miss you enough, if I can just prove to you how much I love you you'll let us be something more.

the way we were..

all ive done is push you further away

im no good at this marty im not good with people.

I know I'm trying my best
I know I'm a good person who has made mistakes and god knows you make your own. You're unwilling to forgive me for mine. You insist on fearing me.
you insist on skewing our past, seeing only the bad..ive heard you retell stories omitting entire positive things that happened.

it's sad Marty
it's fucking sad how you are your own worst enemy
seeing only enemies where there is love.

Im not perfect
ive hurt you
I know this

believe me I've paid my penance and then some

fuck

How quickly would I go back to Justin, or someone like him?
how desperate for some outside source of comfort am I?

What person does not require human comfort,
human touch.

it's hardwired in, this need.

we are social creatures. we are sensory creatures.

I am in sensory deprivation

this pain has got to be for something.
I have to make it count for something.
I couldn't bear the thought of all this pain for nothing.
I need to be fucking incredible.

''Sorry can we just be friends?'' is like saying ''The dog died but can we keep it?''

Ecstasy, Irvine Welsh
Chapter 26: Lloyd

This time it was even better than the first time, for me and for her. Ah didnae realise it, but ah fucked up big style the first one over. There's too much at stake when it's someone you're really intae. The first shag stands alongside yir fledgling relationship like a big question mark, when its somebody you really care for, really love. Then once you get it oot the road you can settle down down tae making love. Things like foreplay can come mair intae they ain. It's funny how there's nae embarrassment aboot stickin yir cock intae a strange lassie, but like licking and caressing her are a bit dodgy the first time. Ah should've got E'd up the first time ah made love taw Heather eh, E makes it great fir strangers, the barriers come down so that sex with a stranger on E is magnificent. See wi someone you love though, the barriers should be down anyway so the chemicals shouldn't make any difference eh, no?

Chapter 28: Lloyd

Ah'm sittin wi Ally and ah'm tellin him: - "Ah've never been sae fuckin scared in ma puff, Ally. Mibbee huv tae chill on this realationship thing a bit. It's gettin too heavy.
Ally looks at ays and shakes his heid, - If you run fae this, lloyd, make sure it's fir the right reasons. Ah see ye when yir wi her. Ah see how ye are. Dinnae deny it!
- Aye, but...
-Aye but nowt. Aye but dinnae you start actin the cunt unless thirs something ah dinnae ken. That's aw the fuckin aye buts you need tae listen tae. Dinnae be feared ah love, man, that's what they want. That's the wey they divide. Dinnae ever be feared ah love.

Wordle

a breakdown of the most commonly used words in my blog

there is nothing so lonely as being surrounded by your community. Watching the kids play and the moms mother and the couples bicker or hold hands or whatever it is you can't do by yourself.

I took Drew to a local shindig the community centre puts on. Free pizza the kids get to make, and is then thrown in a real brick oven outside..

Should have been tons of fun

well it was for drew.

I lost count of how many times my loneliness overwhelmed me.

of how many anxiety attacks i had wishing you were there with us and knowing you never will be.

I feel completely incapable of enjoying my life...

afterall, no one else wants to share it with us so there must be something you all see that I don't.
something putrid that no one wants anything to do with.

surely it is whithin me and not her..
surely removing myself from the picture will benefit her greatly despite what you say

I find it ironic that you tried to convince me to live a life you wouldnt want anything to do with
if you dont why should I?

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking trying to befriend you. last night reminded me precisely why this won't work.

I am overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness when confronted with the reality of your disinterest in me. completely overwhelmed.

I spent 2 hours trying to fall asleep after that, trembling and trying to blink away hot tears that kept falling anyway.

I have to push you away, I must have distance from you I can't be around when you find someone you will touch and love.

I hate the way you make me feel worthless, and then stupid for feeling worthless. pathetic and lame for caring about someone who doesn;t want me.

temp doesnt even understand at all why i'd be interested in someone who doesn't want me.. easy for her to say how often do you think it's happenmed to her?

I don't want people who don't want me and had you expressed that at the begenning I wouldnt be where I am today.

youre too thick in the head to understand any of it which frustrated me and humiliates me. YOu cant see how I spent 2 years fighting for something you were neither interested in nor aware nor the least bit concerned that I was wasting all my energy on it..you loved the fucking attention you asshole...this is where the hating you part comes in because i KNOW what happened and it makes me lose so much respect for you.

part of why I love you so much is that youre a good person but this isnt good, what you did is NOT good.

everytime i saw I was failing id be hurt
everytime i tried to show yu I loved you and you didnt return the sentiment it felt like you were burning me with fire from inside my chest.
beating me in the face
kicking me

you have this idea in my head that I need some guy to be around me 24/7 telling me how great I am and giving me attention.

you couldnt be any more wrong.

both brian and justin my 2 longterm relationships describe me as independent.

if you loved me i wouldnt care what your sl tag said
i wouldnt care who you hung out with
i wouldnt be jealous


after 2 years of chasing you in vain, ALL OF IT MATTERS
all of it hurts
every single fucking thing is a reminder of how i failed and how i hurt and how i cant have you
all of it

it will all be over soon
the hurt and pain
the tragedy of this shit fucking thing I call a life.

I'm spending my last week with drew, it's all about her.

i refuse to spend another year untouched and unloved

i refuse to feel like this another year.,.

i held on when i did for you and you failed me.
ill never forgive you.

Ugh

isnt it typical that Id be PMS-ing and not know?

I lost my fucking mind the last few days.

the disgusting vagina issues should have been my first clue
god no wonder no one likes me

well fuck you all back, youre jerks.

ive never been nasty to anyone who wasnt nasty to me first, period or no period.

I'm tired of crying Im tired of hurting Im tired of living this shit life alone.

Human beings are not meant to hurt for 28 fucking years..there is no hope for me now, there is no getting better, I will be old and crazy and neurotic just like you marty

fuck that

Im done
im checking out

I had some sort of awful nightmare I don't remember much of. I've had horrible anxiety all day.
I should be working but instead I am hyperventalating.

why does he get to have this and I get what? you wasting my time

I told him all about you, about how you wasted my time for the last 2 years

god
you really are both jerks

wtf did I ever want in either of you?

Lifes not fair.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

You accuse me of betrayal.
You of all people who abandoned me.
You who betrays your own heart.
you who claimed to keep an open heart to our future, but never meant it.
That is betrayal Martin.

The months leading up to the point you thought we could be together, that bad feeling I supposedly give you obviously not existing. When id say something cute youd respond in kind, when id say something provocative youd act interested..
funny how that dynamic works, give and take.
funny how when you pull away and stop responding in kind the dynamic fails
bad feelings are created

funny how you refuse to see even the possibility that most of our issues were related to ourside sources, in our lives and not US. How loving one another could have made those things more bearable...Instead you make everything harder, colder, lonelier.

how dare you tell me we dont work, when it is you who refuses to give anything.
You cannot suck up everything I try to give you, and return nothing and expect it to work.
and yet that is exactly what you have done
How many times can I say I love you and not hear it back before feeling personally attacked

you refuse to look at reality

I DEFY YOU to really put a god damn effort into me and THEN tell me we dont work
I DARE you to make love to me every day for a week and see how many times we fight that week, or the week after or the week after that...
how many times you get that "bad feeling" in those weeks.
I double dare you to to tell me that you love me, and see if Im worried when youre too busy to talk for a few days.

it's EASY to tell me *we* dont work when *you* don't lift a finger.

Asshole

I never fucking betrayed you.
I trusted the wrong people
We have both said hurtful spiteful childish things to one another over the years you are not innocent of this either. That is not a betrayal, it is a mistake done in hurt

. I am loyal to you, always even in all my anger and frustration towards you I speak kindly of you to others.

a few slips, through humiliated tears is a betrayal to you?
fuck you no one can possibly live up to your hypocritical standards

I just had the most horrid thought

You were talking to Brian when I lived in NL..
you said yourself he had some fucked up stories to say about me.. You said it to Aaron..

You call yourself my friend but listen to fucked up stories from my ex? you dont tell me about????
wow youre fucked.

last weekend the moron let it slip that he had been talking to the cunt who signed off on everything prior to all of it happening..he knew it was going to happen before I did.

I had to pretend I didnt notice his fuckup
I had to pretend like i wasnt standing in the same room as one of the people who destroyed me.


now I'm thinking you knew too.

.

You always say "You'll never see how you pushed me away" or some variant of that, but the thing is I really really do see how I did that. I had to for my own self preservation. You were sucking me in, loving me, in all the ways you loved me and then pushing me away, telling me I wasn't good enough to be with even though you were with me daily.

All the years of people rejecting me kids taunting me, griefers griefing , my mother, all of it: none of it prepared me for that. I was genuinely surprised when you did it too. I always seem to forget just how naive I am.

the pain was actually physical.

Maybe you forget how intense it feels to be young and in love...

Maybe you don't.


We're not compatible.

I need to shine in the light of other peoples attention hand in hand with my lover
not shy away from it.

You once told me you were a very open person and not scared of sharing anything with anyone. I took that to mean you were like me. Clearly I was wrong.

It is you who will never see how you fucked this.

I made a mistake. ..I saw you as who you wanted to be rather than who you actually are.

Scared to put your music out.
Scared to put your heart out.

I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to keep hiding.
For better or worse world,

HERE THE FUCK I AM

every single day, not just once but every single day i have to reinvent myself, come to the fantastic excited and inspirational decision to change my life for the better
the only eway to be what I want is to live like I already am, but it takes this huge effort every day. Successful people have the drive to make this effort and I'm scared I just don't have it.

Depression sucks the will to do it from me. I have to fight that on top of everything else I am doing
it feels like a losing battle.
such a waste
im not so bad afterall it turns out. Fairly funny, attractive and smart, completeley wasting it drowning in one largely unecessary misery after another.

I don't choose to be self absorbed and vain. When you grow up hated taunted and picked on by a lot of people over long periods of time you tend to reflect upon yourself probably more poften than people who arent getting that much attention on a daily basis. Ive simply grown accustomed to viewing myself to ensure quality.

Marty you pig.
oh how embarrassing it is to admit herer in text for no one to see that I really did l;ove you. How stupid of me, the circumstances, the..everything, how stupid stupid stupid of me.

You really were great I really loved spending time with you at first, you make me laugh and I loved your music. I constantly wanted to fuck your brains out as well.

I hurt, in this burning chest anxiety kicked in the gut sort of way every single day for the last 2 years everytime you said something about my body or smell or made a reference to your life which clearly didnt have me in it, how id lay there next to you burning up with all these mixed things, this huge sexual attraction to you, and im in a bed with you while youre in nothing but boxers and frequently getting hard in your sleep, and then secondary to the mind numbing desire to molest your body was this sharp pain embarrassment thing because you didnt want to touch me, and then below that pain was just this low dull ache of shame and depression and hopelessness... and id lay there next to you staring at the ceiling feeling all this , literally pulsing with want of you..

lol and the one time I did have you...

I suppose it is funny. If it were a plot in a movie it would be comedy gold. That's all that matters in the end right? this huge feeling of loss, and panicked fear because I miss you..this is all nothing because soon it will just be a memory of something funny that happened...

it hurts so much without you.

im supposed to be getting ready to see Drew and instead I am sitting here having a panic attack and crying thinking about how much I let you hurt me.

God damn you I loved you and you loved..
that I loved you.

You've completely humiliated me.

You made me feel like a worthless, stupid, ugly piece of shit.

congratulations on your victory troll.

I'm finding it so difficult to fight my way out of this depression.

You are not worth this suffering
you are not worth this much sadness..
This is such a waste of my time.

You are a waste of my time and emotions and energy.
I invested way too much of myself into nothing, and you let me because it felt nice to have someone like you.


you are not worth these tears im crying
are not worth the thousands of tears I have shed for you over the last two years.

What a sad waste you were.

[2:31:46 PM] ballpunch: aaron copy pasted the convo he had with marty after you left and it pointed towards you telling marty private skewed shitty stories about me to bolster his arguments
[2:32:01 PM] ballpunch: would you like to defend yourself or should i just delete you again now?
[2:33:02 PM] ballpunch: this is like Justin all over again
[2:33:20 PM] ballpunch: Marty has all the internet fuckers who are asshurt about me, in the world to tell marty im a bad bad girl
[2:34:53 PM] ballpunch: if you could see the expression on his face..the sound of his voice when hed shoo me out the door on the way to the bank to get his money, it would leave a lump in my throat which id try as hard as i could to swallow, my brain burning with questions, why the fuck is he acting like this, warning warning, pay attention he is acting fucking weird, awhich i ignored because i thought of the laternative, which was that I was alone and had no one
[2:35:02 PM] ballpunch: id go home after such excursions and sob myself to sleep
[2:35:15 PM] ballpunch: and yet willingly do it again for a chance to be near him
[2:35:34 PM] ballpunch: i think the bank limit was 400
[2:35:47 PM] ballpunch: and i think in total we went 7 times
[2:35:48 PM] ballpunch: 2800
[2:36:17 PM] ballpunch: sometimes hed be nice and give me 20 bucks to g do drugs with downtown
[2:36:29 PM] ballpunch: like my fucked up daddy or somthing peeling off a bill from a stack of them
[2:36:34 PM] ballpunch: i loved that they were american
[2:36:40 PM] ballpunch: it made it all seem much more like TV
[2:37:00 PM] ballpunch: it's easier to have someone treat you like garbage when you can pretend it's not real
[2:38:31 PM] ballpunch: he acted so nervous when I first met him at the bus station in manhattan, scared i wouldnt like him or find him attractive, he even blurted out some question about whether or not i liked him or the way he looked. I forget exactly.. my heart melted i thought oh this poor insecure thing
[2:38:40 PM] ballpunch: i adore him more than life itself and he thinks i don't like him
[2:39:13 PM] ballpunch: i guess for some reason I had mistaken that for him liking me back
[2:39:19 PM] ballpunch: i thought he cared if i liked him because he liked me
[2:39:34 PM] ballpunch: thats a natural assumption to make i thought
[2:40:49 PM] ballpunch: when he leaned down his neck in bed and kissed me for the first time, it was all I could do not to cry in happiness, i felt completely emotionally flooded with wellbeing/excitement stupid little girl thoughts aloing the lines of omg he does like me he really does
[2:44:35 PM] ballpunch: it was the best sex I've ever had and when he pulled away from me so abruptly, physically, mentally afterwards, like for ever afterwards.. he took something from me he ripped away something really good and left me alone again with the horribly mauled festering wound/scar Justin had made,.... it was like when Justin left marty came in and smothered that hurt with himself. Protected me from it and when he pulled away he ripped it all open again
[2:45:38 PM] ballpunch: he made me feel so very small and worthless
[2:45:43 PM] ballpunch: with his words
[2:45:50 PM] ballpunch: so many times
[2:46:07 PM] ballpunch: so many times id go home to brooklyn and cry myself to sleep
[2:46:28 PM] ballpunch: over marty
[2:47:17 PM] ballpunch: when I cry now it is more a desperate whimpering, and a slight tremble

it's not like when justin left, it's nothing like that.. I can forget about you for hours and hours and hours.

I went to the cottage with Liz and anton and Vesna and her toy poodle Zoey.

I tanned and swam and ate and smoked weed and drank beer and mixed drinks and we laughed and played cranium and liz and anton snuck off to fuck a million times and the dog was in sheer extacy and I only cried my self to sleep.

I feel dumn, I am so hurt and i feel so dumb for letting you do this to me.

You knew how vulerable i was, you kinew I was falling so hard for you and youlet me, you let me to stroke your ego and fill your bank account and you couldnt even pretend to love me in return.

at least Justin faked it. you didnt even think I was worth that did you?



No one has ever loved me.
Literally.
genuinely
no one

I have been used and abused and beaten and lied to and cheated on and insulted and everything you can think of but no one has ever held me completely enraptured and in love with me the way I have done to so many.

youre not even special marty youre just the oldest and grossest of all the losers I let use me. Youre not unique or special..i could have fallen for ANYONE as vulnerable as i was.

youre nothing

I miss you but im not sure what it is I miss..

I dont miss the arguments
i dont miss feeling rejected and insecure
I dont miss the sick feeling of being kicked in the gut everytime you mentioned another girl
everytime you said something insensitive

you are one of the most insensitive jackasses who i have ever let hurt me.

What I liked about you those first 5 months, the ONLY months we ever got along, is that you were so sensitive...so i dont really buy it..I dont buy that you had NO Knowledge of how you hurt me and continued to hurt me.

i dont know what I miss.

nothing i guess.

I wanted to say I love you and have you say it back..i wanted to talk dirty to you and know you were turned on..i wanted to plan trips to make our fantasies real..i wanted you to want me like me respect me love me kiss me fuck me hug me hold me sing to me, joke with me eat with me cook with me walk with me play with me laugh with me watch movies with me.

fuck you.

Sorry about everything

to me

show details 1:42 PM (35 minutes ago)

I never intended to hurt you ever. I'm sorry that I did. I guess I should have handled everything differently. Calling me a money grubbing asshole was over the top tho IMO. I understand your need to cut me off. I am feeling horrible about everything. So I guess you can enjoy that if it helps you. I am not sure why the bunch of you felt it would be fun to show up to try and taunt me when I logged on the other day. I wasn't bothering anyone I rezzed in to my home location. But that's the internet for ya I suppose. Take care of yourself. I hope you have a great life and things work out with you and Drew.

Terribly sad,
m


I still havent written anything to you.
i wish youd stop writing me youre making it harder for me :(
if you really wanted me to be happy and have a great life you wouldnt be going out of your way to make this experience more difficult and painful for me..

aaron went to grief you because hes 18, doesnt know you and..is aaron..the rest of us went to try and prevent him from being too much of a dick..I personally was not even there as I was on a date smoking a joint with some hot guy.

leave me alone already :/

I get more attention from you now then I did when we were still friends.

I sat there staring at what I had written, and suddenly the conversation updated. You were there on the other side of the screen... my heart was tight in my chest

you just said "thanks".

an hour later

to me

show details Jul 1 (2 days ago)

My friendship with Leanne is nothing that you have described here. You have no idea what you are talking about. I have been friends with her for 13 years and we share mutual friends that i have had for over 30 years. You are seriously talking out of your ass. We have all helped each other throughout the years. Nobody is "using" anybody. So your point about her is ridiculous and irrelevant.

I didn't complain about the $50.00 western union thing. I was very grateful. I originally said it wouldn't make sense to send that amount. I wasn't complaining about it.

I considered your loan last summer as an investment loan. And you will get that back plus more. I never had any intention of just taking money from you. And I have sent you money when you were in need of it also. I don't think you need to go there. I thought it was about helping each other not any type of usery /whore bullshit as you have now painted this. This is really sad. I am sorry that you actually believe this crap. I don't expect you to actually deal with this rationally. Because that would involve actually looking at the truth. I am not perfect. I understand that. But i don't deserve this crap at all. This is completely warped and distorted reality crap.

Sorry I brought up Tempest. It was just that all this is going on in the same week. It felt overwhelming. I wasn't "following" you to Bear. That is ridiculous. We all show up there.

I'm not going back to SL anyway. So enjoy yourself.

You seem to have a need to villain-ize me to justify your actions and feelings. Fine. Have fun with that. I can't help you to see this any differently.

Good luck with everything. I hope your life is awesome. I love you and I care about your well being.

so... DO NOT get aids and die.

m

fuck you M, this is so filled with passive agression and complete inability to take any responsibility.

I ignored you.

then days later you wrote again determined to hurt me, "flying west coast" can mean nothing other than "I am going to go fuck Leanne"

to me

show details 3:52 AM (12 hours ago)

I am flying out to the west coast. I just wanted you to know that I will miss you and have fond memories of you. I'm sorry that you feel so badly about me. I wish things could be different. Be well

You may use this as fodder to make fun of me if you wish. But I meant it.

m






Fuck you fuck you fuck you

ive asked you to leave me alone, to let me get over you and you write me emails to tell me you love me, and that youre going off to fuck leanne?????

what sort of jerk are you anyway?

this is exactly what I am talking about, a good person wouldnt do this marty a good perosn would let mer get over you without unecessary pain

enjoy leanne, enjoy having someone mentally and physically close to hold

I havent had that in years, but thank you for rubbing it in.. ty for reminding me that instead of finding that for myself i wasted 2 years on you.

fuck you jackass

ugh

i regret sending that aids letter to you already

youre not an entirely callous person, I know you'll probably cry over it..maybe not? i dont want you too but god marty youve made me cry so many times. i know you feel like youve done nothing but thats a cop out, it was NOT all in my head as you would like to believe.

you pushed me, and I reacted childishly and poorly, as per usual. I am far from innocent and I know this.

you used me and I guess I probably used you too but I loved you marty. I still love you.

I want to hold you in my arms and be held by you, I want to taste your mouth on mine again and wrap my legs around your body, feel the warmth of your chest against my breasts

but more than that marty?

honestly at this point more than that I want to forget about you.

Get aids and die

So the phone calls began, I put my phone off the hook after making the mistake of answering only to be regailed with your online gaming drama problems..

now I am just angry.






Last night was fucking ridiculous don't ever pull that shit on me again.
I couldnt give TWO FUCKS about your problems in video game world, do you understand me? I dont give a fuck about anything going on with you any more but LEAST OF ALL THAT...how dare you call me to complain obsessively about tempest like im not going through something far more important than your loss of internet buddies.. pathetic.

You cant even respect my wishes not to talk to you, you have to push it, showing up at bear and harrassing my IMs and calling me... dont act like all of a sudden i matter in the least to you, fuck off I dont..I was a bank account and an ego stroke to you.

Leanne for whatever reason still has 0 self respect for herself and continues to cater to your abusive usage but I WILL NOT. I am done with you and your selfish jew money grubbing shit..omg the greediness astounds me.. how many times were you all LETS GO TO THE BANK LETS JUST GO GO GO...it was the only way i could ever get you interested in spending any time with me, how pathetic am I?? id take YOU out for dinners and lend YOU money and i didnt even get a fucking blowjob? you cockteasing whore go fuck yourself.
"waaaahhhhh what only fifty bucks???"
fuck you that fifty bucks really hurt me at the time.. and still is I need it for my phone/interbet bill

people not liking you on second life has NOTHING to do with me as usual you need a scapegoat so use tempest if you so desire but im telling you people who dont like you have come to their own conclusions and you can whine and bitch and moan and justify to yourself all you want that it "ISNT FAIR" except that it is and if youd ever grow the fuck up maybe youd see how you are your own worst enemy.

do NOT call me, do not email me do not message me on sl and expect any fucking response from me at all..

we are OVER Marty.

over 100% over not coming back this time not changing my mind not getting sucked back into the fucking misery and agony that is loving you. I fucking REFUSE to be a Leanne..some sad lonely 40 something woman paying out cash gift after cash gift after cash gift hoping desperately youll love her... that thought terrifies me and if i had any way to support her in getting the fuck away from you I would.

youre scum, and you dont even realize it, youre a user and your drama obsession leaves mine in the dust.

I want you to know that your selfishness has caused me a GREAT DEAL OF PAIN..completely unecessary pain..I fucking adored you everything about you all your crazy crap that now leaves me cold to you i adored..now I am honestly just disgusted by your obvious insensitivity, selfishness and greedy drama whoring emo lameness.

seriously just get fucking aids and die.

Day 2 I guess

to Martin

show details Jun 28 (2 days ago)

:( im sorry marty
i dont want you to feel that I am making this decision completely without you i wish you could see my side of this and how ridiculous it is for me to continue trying to be your friend...I fucking hate myself every time i snap at you and i cant help it..im so bitter and resentful that it didnt work out i just get hurt so easily by anything you say and then snap at you, this dynamic can exist in no other way right now...im sorry im not a better person, if i were im sure youd have had more interest :(

i know youre going through a hard time right now but so am I and you wont let me be more of a support for you and dont have time to be one for me... if ever you could find time to visit anyone it will be your daughter and ex and not my and drew which is good thats how it should be but i need someone who wants to come visit ME, someone who misses talking to me as much as I miss talking to them, everything has always been one sided and it fucking hurts and i cant do ity any more...i cant hate myself like this any more..I have to love myself and treat myself with respect and part of that is not chasing after unrealistic love..

goodbye, I know youre going to do great things, i wish I could have been a part of them <3




This is the misspelled quickly drafted "last letter ever" to Marty.

We've had a few of those over the years haven't we?
You haven't written back or called, I guess you finally understand how important this is?
I just don't know.

I find it helpful to re read this letter everytime I miss you, everytime I want to email you or call you or add you back to my IM and message you.. SO far it's been a lot.

last night everything felt fine for a bit, I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, just watching a movie, maybe a scene or something happened I thought of telling you about i dont remember now , what I do remember is this overwhelming revelation that I can never talk to you again, that you are truly not going to be a part of my life in any capacity any more..

I feel literally sick and cold and terrified at the very notion. I cried so violently I shook and trembled and resisted the urge to call you.

This is more reason to continue what I started in my opinion.

No one should feel dependent on anyone ever.

although we all do, don't we?