ILY

Something you said today really struck a chord with me. I guess it was sort of your personal definition of drama. You defined my drama as "Trying to make you feel bad"

You're right

youre absolutely right I am 100% guilty of trying to make you feel bad and I'm really ashamed to admit it.

I have never consciously decided or plotted how to go out of my way to make you feel bad but looking back I can pinpoint hundreds of ocassions inwhich I felt strongly compelled to share my misery with you and often coupled with bitter feelings that you were part of my pain.

I see myself as a very confused and hurting person who grabbed out for help and scratched the shit out of you while my arms flailed about. I never intended to hurt you Marty I"m selfish and weak like everyone else.

Every combination of words I use is lame and does not express what I want to express to you, my apologies and my wish to suddenly be the sort of person who doesn't do this, who does not sabotage things.

I want to express my acknowledgment of everything you have done for me, How you have been there for me and believed in me and loved me and encouraged me through the most difficult shit of my life. There are NO fucking words that can convey such a thing, only actions. Actions I superceded with shitty hurtful ones.

I don't want to be alone when Im hurt and scared and I tried to drag you into my pain so I wouldnt have to be and that was wrong and im sorrry

sorry means nothing
its a fucking word and it means nothing and I fear I won't be strong enough to be the friend I should be
to never ever try and make you feel bad

I want so much to only ever make you smile, to only be a source of happy thoughts and memories and time and time again I fail.


I guess i want you to know that I"m still trying
I haven't given up.

You say I act as though I live in a movie. I feel as though I do. I really feel like I do. They have a fancy name for it, disassociative disorder, or some shit. I don't buy into that crap I think it's an excuse for shitty behaviour but I promise you what is not an excuse is the very real inability to snap my fingers and not feel like everything is a movie. I Spent too many years of my childhood hiding in this fantasy world that I was the star of a show and that's why all this crazy shit was happening in my life, so that the show would be interesting, because that was easier to swallow than, the truth. I spent too many years playing the part and i forgot how to be any other way.,I know you didnt really mean it literally but I do, during high stress situations particularily my head swims and nothing is really real.

I don't want to any more I don't want to always be in a movie, I don't want to always be dramatic and cause people pain nor do I want to be a boring norm, I am searching for a balance.

I haven't given up

you win

Dear Justin

he's everything good that youre not
hes everything I wanted that you will never be
he's who I waited my entire life for

You win anyway though dont you?

finding him means nothing when it ends like this.

In large part due to my own fuckups
in small part due to your existance in my life
your abuse to my mind and body
you contributed
I chose to act the way I did but you contributed,
you had a part to play
you win

I found him and pushed him away
you win

[19:15] Ashley Paine: i just feel like puking
[19:16] Johahn Yeah, I feel a little like that
[19:16] Ashley Paine: ;/
[19:16] Ashley Paine: its over
[19:16] AshleyPaine: hes really over me
[19:17] Johahn I think so
[19:17] AshleyPaine: im the saddest girl in the world



Miscommunication: the bane of any relationship. It's almost funny how wrong you are about me. Refusing to go on any poseballs because you thought I'd be jealous. Gimme a fucking break.

The only time I've ever had a problem with ANYTHING you do with other girls is if it's something you're avoiding me to do, or won't do with me.

All I've ever wanted was to feel like I am special to you, and for the most part I do.

Or did..

I'm clearly not special to you any more and haven't been for a while. That hurts more then you'll ever know. Always..

it's like everything we went through was in my head, like you say. I'm no more or less important to you than anyone else.

I miss knowing you were thinking about me
I miss getting phonecalls from you
I miss sharing all of our secrets

why am I unable to stop clinging to the past?
I keep hoping if I suffer enough, if I miss you enough, if I can just prove to you how much I love you you'll let us be something more.

the way we were..

all ive done is push you further away

im no good at this marty im not good with people.

I know I'm trying my best
I know I'm a good person who has made mistakes and god knows you make your own. You're unwilling to forgive me for mine. You insist on fearing me.
you insist on skewing our past, seeing only the bad..ive heard you retell stories omitting entire positive things that happened.

it's sad Marty
it's fucking sad how you are your own worst enemy
seeing only enemies where there is love.

Im not perfect
ive hurt you
I know this

believe me I've paid my penance and then some

fuck

How quickly would I go back to Justin, or someone like him?
how desperate for some outside source of comfort am I?

What person does not require human comfort,
human touch.

it's hardwired in, this need.

we are social creatures. we are sensory creatures.

I am in sensory deprivation

this pain has got to be for something.
I have to make it count for something.
I couldn't bear the thought of all this pain for nothing.
I need to be fucking incredible.

''Sorry can we just be friends?'' is like saying ''The dog died but can we keep it?''

Ecstasy, Irvine Welsh
Chapter 26: Lloyd

This time it was even better than the first time, for me and for her. Ah didnae realise it, but ah fucked up big style the first one over. There's too much at stake when it's someone you're really intae. The first shag stands alongside yir fledgling relationship like a big question mark, when its somebody you really care for, really love. Then once you get it oot the road you can settle down down tae making love. Things like foreplay can come mair intae they ain. It's funny how there's nae embarrassment aboot stickin yir cock intae a strange lassie, but like licking and caressing her are a bit dodgy the first time. Ah should've got E'd up the first time ah made love taw Heather eh, E makes it great fir strangers, the barriers come down so that sex with a stranger on E is magnificent. See wi someone you love though, the barriers should be down anyway so the chemicals shouldn't make any difference eh, no?

Chapter 28: Lloyd

Ah'm sittin wi Ally and ah'm tellin him: - "Ah've never been sae fuckin scared in ma puff, Ally. Mibbee huv tae chill on this realationship thing a bit. It's gettin too heavy.
Ally looks at ays and shakes his heid, - If you run fae this, lloyd, make sure it's fir the right reasons. Ah see ye when yir wi her. Ah see how ye are. Dinnae deny it!
- Aye, but...
-Aye but nowt. Aye but dinnae you start actin the cunt unless thirs something ah dinnae ken. That's aw the fuckin aye buts you need tae listen tae. Dinnae be feared ah love, man, that's what they want. That's the wey they divide. Dinnae ever be feared ah love.