every single day, not just once but every single day i have to reinvent myself, come to the fantastic excited and inspirational decision to change my life for the better
the only eway to be what I want is to live like I already am, but it takes this huge effort every day. Successful people have the drive to make this effort and I'm scared I just don't have it.

Depression sucks the will to do it from me. I have to fight that on top of everything else I am doing
it feels like a losing battle.
such a waste
im not so bad afterall it turns out. Fairly funny, attractive and smart, completeley wasting it drowning in one largely unecessary misery after another.

I don't choose to be self absorbed and vain. When you grow up hated taunted and picked on by a lot of people over long periods of time you tend to reflect upon yourself probably more poften than people who arent getting that much attention on a daily basis. Ive simply grown accustomed to viewing myself to ensure quality.

Marty you pig.
oh how embarrassing it is to admit herer in text for no one to see that I really did l;ove you. How stupid of me, the circumstances, the..everything, how stupid stupid stupid of me.

You really were great I really loved spending time with you at first, you make me laugh and I loved your music. I constantly wanted to fuck your brains out as well.

I hurt, in this burning chest anxiety kicked in the gut sort of way every single day for the last 2 years everytime you said something about my body or smell or made a reference to your life which clearly didnt have me in it, how id lay there next to you burning up with all these mixed things, this huge sexual attraction to you, and im in a bed with you while youre in nothing but boxers and frequently getting hard in your sleep, and then secondary to the mind numbing desire to molest your body was this sharp pain embarrassment thing because you didnt want to touch me, and then below that pain was just this low dull ache of shame and depression and hopelessness... and id lay there next to you staring at the ceiling feeling all this , literally pulsing with want of you..

lol and the one time I did have you...

I suppose it is funny. If it were a plot in a movie it would be comedy gold. That's all that matters in the end right? this huge feeling of loss, and panicked fear because I miss you..this is all nothing because soon it will just be a memory of something funny that happened...

it hurts so much without you.