every single day, not just once but every single day i have to reinvent myself, come to the fantastic excited and inspirational decision to change my life for the better
the only eway to be what I want is to live like I already am, but it takes this huge effort every day. Successful people have the drive to make this effort and I'm scared I just don't have it.

Depression sucks the will to do it from me. I have to fight that on top of everything else I am doing
it feels like a losing battle.
such a waste
im not so bad afterall it turns out. Fairly funny, attractive and smart, completeley wasting it drowning in one largely unecessary misery after another.

I don't choose to be self absorbed and vain. When you grow up hated taunted and picked on by a lot of people over long periods of time you tend to reflect upon yourself probably more poften than people who arent getting that much attention on a daily basis. Ive simply grown accustomed to viewing myself to ensure quality.

Marty you pig.
oh how embarrassing it is to admit herer in text for no one to see that I really did l;ove you. How stupid of me, the circumstances, the..everything, how stupid stupid stupid of me.

You really were great I really loved spending time with you at first, you make me laugh and I loved your music. I constantly wanted to fuck your brains out as well.

I hurt, in this burning chest anxiety kicked in the gut sort of way every single day for the last 2 years everytime you said something about my body or smell or made a reference to your life which clearly didnt have me in it, how id lay there next to you burning up with all these mixed things, this huge sexual attraction to you, and im in a bed with you while youre in nothing but boxers and frequently getting hard in your sleep, and then secondary to the mind numbing desire to molest your body was this sharp pain embarrassment thing because you didnt want to touch me, and then below that pain was just this low dull ache of shame and depression and hopelessness... and id lay there next to you staring at the ceiling feeling all this , literally pulsing with want of you..

lol and the one time I did have you...

I suppose it is funny. If it were a plot in a movie it would be comedy gold. That's all that matters in the end right? this huge feeling of loss, and panicked fear because I miss you..this is all nothing because soon it will just be a memory of something funny that happened...

it hurts so much without you.

im supposed to be getting ready to see Drew and instead I am sitting here having a panic attack and crying thinking about how much I let you hurt me.

God damn you I loved you and you loved..
that I loved you.

You've completely humiliated me.

You made me feel like a worthless, stupid, ugly piece of shit.

congratulations on your victory troll.

I'm finding it so difficult to fight my way out of this depression.

You are not worth this suffering
you are not worth this much sadness..
This is such a waste of my time.

You are a waste of my time and emotions and energy.
I invested way too much of myself into nothing, and you let me because it felt nice to have someone like you.


you are not worth these tears im crying
are not worth the thousands of tears I have shed for you over the last two years.

What a sad waste you were.

[2:31:46 PM] ballpunch: aaron copy pasted the convo he had with marty after you left and it pointed towards you telling marty private skewed shitty stories about me to bolster his arguments
[2:32:01 PM] ballpunch: would you like to defend yourself or should i just delete you again now?
[2:33:02 PM] ballpunch: this is like Justin all over again
[2:33:20 PM] ballpunch: Marty has all the internet fuckers who are asshurt about me, in the world to tell marty im a bad bad girl
[2:34:53 PM] ballpunch: if you could see the expression on his face..the sound of his voice when hed shoo me out the door on the way to the bank to get his money, it would leave a lump in my throat which id try as hard as i could to swallow, my brain burning with questions, why the fuck is he acting like this, warning warning, pay attention he is acting fucking weird, awhich i ignored because i thought of the laternative, which was that I was alone and had no one
[2:35:02 PM] ballpunch: id go home after such excursions and sob myself to sleep
[2:35:15 PM] ballpunch: and yet willingly do it again for a chance to be near him
[2:35:34 PM] ballpunch: i think the bank limit was 400
[2:35:47 PM] ballpunch: and i think in total we went 7 times
[2:35:48 PM] ballpunch: 2800
[2:36:17 PM] ballpunch: sometimes hed be nice and give me 20 bucks to g do drugs with downtown
[2:36:29 PM] ballpunch: like my fucked up daddy or somthing peeling off a bill from a stack of them
[2:36:34 PM] ballpunch: i loved that they were american
[2:36:40 PM] ballpunch: it made it all seem much more like TV
[2:37:00 PM] ballpunch: it's easier to have someone treat you like garbage when you can pretend it's not real
[2:38:31 PM] ballpunch: he acted so nervous when I first met him at the bus station in manhattan, scared i wouldnt like him or find him attractive, he even blurted out some question about whether or not i liked him or the way he looked. I forget exactly.. my heart melted i thought oh this poor insecure thing
[2:38:40 PM] ballpunch: i adore him more than life itself and he thinks i don't like him
[2:39:13 PM] ballpunch: i guess for some reason I had mistaken that for him liking me back
[2:39:19 PM] ballpunch: i thought he cared if i liked him because he liked me
[2:39:34 PM] ballpunch: thats a natural assumption to make i thought
[2:40:49 PM] ballpunch: when he leaned down his neck in bed and kissed me for the first time, it was all I could do not to cry in happiness, i felt completely emotionally flooded with wellbeing/excitement stupid little girl thoughts aloing the lines of omg he does like me he really does
[2:44:35 PM] ballpunch: it was the best sex I've ever had and when he pulled away from me so abruptly, physically, mentally afterwards, like for ever afterwards.. he took something from me he ripped away something really good and left me alone again with the horribly mauled festering wound/scar Justin had made,.... it was like when Justin left marty came in and smothered that hurt with himself. Protected me from it and when he pulled away he ripped it all open again
[2:45:38 PM] ballpunch: he made me feel so very small and worthless
[2:45:43 PM] ballpunch: with his words
[2:45:50 PM] ballpunch: so many times
[2:46:07 PM] ballpunch: so many times id go home to brooklyn and cry myself to sleep
[2:46:28 PM] ballpunch: over marty
[2:47:17 PM] ballpunch: when I cry now it is more a desperate whimpering, and a slight tremble

it's not like when justin left, it's nothing like that.. I can forget about you for hours and hours and hours.

I went to the cottage with Liz and anton and Vesna and her toy poodle Zoey.

I tanned and swam and ate and smoked weed and drank beer and mixed drinks and we laughed and played cranium and liz and anton snuck off to fuck a million times and the dog was in sheer extacy and I only cried my self to sleep.

I feel dumn, I am so hurt and i feel so dumb for letting you do this to me.

You knew how vulerable i was, you kinew I was falling so hard for you and youlet me, you let me to stroke your ego and fill your bank account and you couldnt even pretend to love me in return.

at least Justin faked it. you didnt even think I was worth that did you?



No one has ever loved me.
Literally.
genuinely
no one

I have been used and abused and beaten and lied to and cheated on and insulted and everything you can think of but no one has ever held me completely enraptured and in love with me the way I have done to so many.

youre not even special marty youre just the oldest and grossest of all the losers I let use me. Youre not unique or special..i could have fallen for ANYONE as vulnerable as i was.

youre nothing

I miss you but im not sure what it is I miss..

I dont miss the arguments
i dont miss feeling rejected and insecure
I dont miss the sick feeling of being kicked in the gut everytime you mentioned another girl
everytime you said something insensitive

you are one of the most insensitive jackasses who i have ever let hurt me.

What I liked about you those first 5 months, the ONLY months we ever got along, is that you were so sensitive...so i dont really buy it..I dont buy that you had NO Knowledge of how you hurt me and continued to hurt me.

i dont know what I miss.

nothing i guess.

I wanted to say I love you and have you say it back..i wanted to talk dirty to you and know you were turned on..i wanted to plan trips to make our fantasies real..i wanted you to want me like me respect me love me kiss me fuck me hug me hold me sing to me, joke with me eat with me cook with me walk with me play with me laugh with me watch movies with me.

fuck you.

Sorry about everything

to me

show details 1:42 PM (35 minutes ago)

I never intended to hurt you ever. I'm sorry that I did. I guess I should have handled everything differently. Calling me a money grubbing asshole was over the top tho IMO. I understand your need to cut me off. I am feeling horrible about everything. So I guess you can enjoy that if it helps you. I am not sure why the bunch of you felt it would be fun to show up to try and taunt me when I logged on the other day. I wasn't bothering anyone I rezzed in to my home location. But that's the internet for ya I suppose. Take care of yourself. I hope you have a great life and things work out with you and Drew.

Terribly sad,
m


I still havent written anything to you.
i wish youd stop writing me youre making it harder for me :(
if you really wanted me to be happy and have a great life you wouldnt be going out of your way to make this experience more difficult and painful for me..

aaron went to grief you because hes 18, doesnt know you and..is aaron..the rest of us went to try and prevent him from being too much of a dick..I personally was not even there as I was on a date smoking a joint with some hot guy.

leave me alone already :/

I get more attention from you now then I did when we were still friends.

I sat there staring at what I had written, and suddenly the conversation updated. You were there on the other side of the screen... my heart was tight in my chest

you just said "thanks".

an hour later

to me

show details Jul 1 (2 days ago)

My friendship with Leanne is nothing that you have described here. You have no idea what you are talking about. I have been friends with her for 13 years and we share mutual friends that i have had for over 30 years. You are seriously talking out of your ass. We have all helped each other throughout the years. Nobody is "using" anybody. So your point about her is ridiculous and irrelevant.

I didn't complain about the $50.00 western union thing. I was very grateful. I originally said it wouldn't make sense to send that amount. I wasn't complaining about it.

I considered your loan last summer as an investment loan. And you will get that back plus more. I never had any intention of just taking money from you. And I have sent you money when you were in need of it also. I don't think you need to go there. I thought it was about helping each other not any type of usery /whore bullshit as you have now painted this. This is really sad. I am sorry that you actually believe this crap. I don't expect you to actually deal with this rationally. Because that would involve actually looking at the truth. I am not perfect. I understand that. But i don't deserve this crap at all. This is completely warped and distorted reality crap.

Sorry I brought up Tempest. It was just that all this is going on in the same week. It felt overwhelming. I wasn't "following" you to Bear. That is ridiculous. We all show up there.

I'm not going back to SL anyway. So enjoy yourself.

You seem to have a need to villain-ize me to justify your actions and feelings. Fine. Have fun with that. I can't help you to see this any differently.

Good luck with everything. I hope your life is awesome. I love you and I care about your well being.

so... DO NOT get aids and die.

m

fuck you M, this is so filled with passive agression and complete inability to take any responsibility.

I ignored you.

then days later you wrote again determined to hurt me, "flying west coast" can mean nothing other than "I am going to go fuck Leanne"

to me

show details 3:52 AM (12 hours ago)

I am flying out to the west coast. I just wanted you to know that I will miss you and have fond memories of you. I'm sorry that you feel so badly about me. I wish things could be different. Be well

You may use this as fodder to make fun of me if you wish. But I meant it.

m






Fuck you fuck you fuck you

ive asked you to leave me alone, to let me get over you and you write me emails to tell me you love me, and that youre going off to fuck leanne?????

what sort of jerk are you anyway?

this is exactly what I am talking about, a good person wouldnt do this marty a good perosn would let mer get over you without unecessary pain

enjoy leanne, enjoy having someone mentally and physically close to hold

I havent had that in years, but thank you for rubbing it in.. ty for reminding me that instead of finding that for myself i wasted 2 years on you.

fuck you jackass

ugh

i regret sending that aids letter to you already

youre not an entirely callous person, I know you'll probably cry over it..maybe not? i dont want you too but god marty youve made me cry so many times. i know you feel like youve done nothing but thats a cop out, it was NOT all in my head as you would like to believe.

you pushed me, and I reacted childishly and poorly, as per usual. I am far from innocent and I know this.

you used me and I guess I probably used you too but I loved you marty. I still love you.

I want to hold you in my arms and be held by you, I want to taste your mouth on mine again and wrap my legs around your body, feel the warmth of your chest against my breasts

but more than that marty?

honestly at this point more than that I want to forget about you.

Get aids and die

So the phone calls began, I put my phone off the hook after making the mistake of answering only to be regailed with your online gaming drama problems..

now I am just angry.






Last night was fucking ridiculous don't ever pull that shit on me again.
I couldnt give TWO FUCKS about your problems in video game world, do you understand me? I dont give a fuck about anything going on with you any more but LEAST OF ALL THAT...how dare you call me to complain obsessively about tempest like im not going through something far more important than your loss of internet buddies.. pathetic.

You cant even respect my wishes not to talk to you, you have to push it, showing up at bear and harrassing my IMs and calling me... dont act like all of a sudden i matter in the least to you, fuck off I dont..I was a bank account and an ego stroke to you.

Leanne for whatever reason still has 0 self respect for herself and continues to cater to your abusive usage but I WILL NOT. I am done with you and your selfish jew money grubbing shit..omg the greediness astounds me.. how many times were you all LETS GO TO THE BANK LETS JUST GO GO GO...it was the only way i could ever get you interested in spending any time with me, how pathetic am I?? id take YOU out for dinners and lend YOU money and i didnt even get a fucking blowjob? you cockteasing whore go fuck yourself.
"waaaahhhhh what only fifty bucks???"
fuck you that fifty bucks really hurt me at the time.. and still is I need it for my phone/interbet bill

people not liking you on second life has NOTHING to do with me as usual you need a scapegoat so use tempest if you so desire but im telling you people who dont like you have come to their own conclusions and you can whine and bitch and moan and justify to yourself all you want that it "ISNT FAIR" except that it is and if youd ever grow the fuck up maybe youd see how you are your own worst enemy.

do NOT call me, do not email me do not message me on sl and expect any fucking response from me at all..

we are OVER Marty.

over 100% over not coming back this time not changing my mind not getting sucked back into the fucking misery and agony that is loving you. I fucking REFUSE to be a Leanne..some sad lonely 40 something woman paying out cash gift after cash gift after cash gift hoping desperately youll love her... that thought terrifies me and if i had any way to support her in getting the fuck away from you I would.

youre scum, and you dont even realize it, youre a user and your drama obsession leaves mine in the dust.

I want you to know that your selfishness has caused me a GREAT DEAL OF PAIN..completely unecessary pain..I fucking adored you everything about you all your crazy crap that now leaves me cold to you i adored..now I am honestly just disgusted by your obvious insensitivity, selfishness and greedy drama whoring emo lameness.

seriously just get fucking aids and die.