How quickly would I go back to Justin, or someone like him?
how desperate for some outside source of comfort am I?

What person does not require human comfort,
human touch.

it's hardwired in, this need.

we are social creatures. we are sensory creatures.

I am in sensory deprivation

this pain has got to be for something.
I have to make it count for something.
I couldn't bear the thought of all this pain for nothing.
I need to be fucking incredible.

''Sorry can we just be friends?'' is like saying ''The dog died but can we keep it?''

Ecstasy, Irvine Welsh
Chapter 26: Lloyd

This time it was even better than the first time, for me and for her. Ah didnae realise it, but ah fucked up big style the first one over. There's too much at stake when it's someone you're really intae. The first shag stands alongside yir fledgling relationship like a big question mark, when its somebody you really care for, really love. Then once you get it oot the road you can settle down down tae making love. Things like foreplay can come mair intae they ain. It's funny how there's nae embarrassment aboot stickin yir cock intae a strange lassie, but like licking and caressing her are a bit dodgy the first time. Ah should've got E'd up the first time ah made love taw Heather eh, E makes it great fir strangers, the barriers come down so that sex with a stranger on E is magnificent. See wi someone you love though, the barriers should be down anyway so the chemicals shouldn't make any difference eh, no?

Chapter 28: Lloyd

Ah'm sittin wi Ally and ah'm tellin him: - "Ah've never been sae fuckin scared in ma puff, Ally. Mibbee huv tae chill on this realationship thing a bit. It's gettin too heavy.
Ally looks at ays and shakes his heid, - If you run fae this, lloyd, make sure it's fir the right reasons. Ah see ye when yir wi her. Ah see how ye are. Dinnae deny it!
- Aye, but...
-Aye but nowt. Aye but dinnae you start actin the cunt unless thirs something ah dinnae ken. That's aw the fuckin aye buts you need tae listen tae. Dinnae be feared ah love, man, that's what they want. That's the wey they divide. Dinnae ever be feared ah love.

Wordle

a breakdown of the most commonly used words in my blog

there is nothing so lonely as being surrounded by your community. Watching the kids play and the moms mother and the couples bicker or hold hands or whatever it is you can't do by yourself.

I took Drew to a local shindig the community centre puts on. Free pizza the kids get to make, and is then thrown in a real brick oven outside..

Should have been tons of fun

well it was for drew.

I lost count of how many times my loneliness overwhelmed me.

of how many anxiety attacks i had wishing you were there with us and knowing you never will be.

I feel completely incapable of enjoying my life...

afterall, no one else wants to share it with us so there must be something you all see that I don't.
something putrid that no one wants anything to do with.

surely it is whithin me and not her..
surely removing myself from the picture will benefit her greatly despite what you say

I find it ironic that you tried to convince me to live a life you wouldnt want anything to do with
if you dont why should I?

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking trying to befriend you. last night reminded me precisely why this won't work.

I am overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness when confronted with the reality of your disinterest in me. completely overwhelmed.

I spent 2 hours trying to fall asleep after that, trembling and trying to blink away hot tears that kept falling anyway.

I have to push you away, I must have distance from you I can't be around when you find someone you will touch and love.

I hate the way you make me feel worthless, and then stupid for feeling worthless. pathetic and lame for caring about someone who doesn;t want me.

temp doesnt even understand at all why i'd be interested in someone who doesn't want me.. easy for her to say how often do you think it's happenmed to her?

I don't want people who don't want me and had you expressed that at the begenning I wouldnt be where I am today.

youre too thick in the head to understand any of it which frustrated me and humiliates me. YOu cant see how I spent 2 years fighting for something you were neither interested in nor aware nor the least bit concerned that I was wasting all my energy on it..you loved the fucking attention you asshole...this is where the hating you part comes in because i KNOW what happened and it makes me lose so much respect for you.

part of why I love you so much is that youre a good person but this isnt good, what you did is NOT good.

everytime i saw I was failing id be hurt
everytime i tried to show yu I loved you and you didnt return the sentiment it felt like you were burning me with fire from inside my chest.
beating me in the face
kicking me

you have this idea in my head that I need some guy to be around me 24/7 telling me how great I am and giving me attention.

you couldnt be any more wrong.

both brian and justin my 2 longterm relationships describe me as independent.

if you loved me i wouldnt care what your sl tag said
i wouldnt care who you hung out with
i wouldnt be jealous


after 2 years of chasing you in vain, ALL OF IT MATTERS
all of it hurts
every single fucking thing is a reminder of how i failed and how i hurt and how i cant have you
all of it

it will all be over soon
the hurt and pain
the tragedy of this shit fucking thing I call a life.

I'm spending my last week with drew, it's all about her.

i refuse to spend another year untouched and unloved

i refuse to feel like this another year.,.

i held on when i did for you and you failed me.
ill never forgive you.

Ugh

isnt it typical that Id be PMS-ing and not know?

I lost my fucking mind the last few days.

the disgusting vagina issues should have been my first clue
god no wonder no one likes me

well fuck you all back, youre jerks.

ive never been nasty to anyone who wasnt nasty to me first, period or no period.

I'm tired of crying Im tired of hurting Im tired of living this shit life alone.

Human beings are not meant to hurt for 28 fucking years..there is no hope for me now, there is no getting better, I will be old and crazy and neurotic just like you marty

fuck that

Im done
im checking out

I had some sort of awful nightmare I don't remember much of. I've had horrible anxiety all day.
I should be working but instead I am hyperventalating.

why does he get to have this and I get what? you wasting my time

I told him all about you, about how you wasted my time for the last 2 years

god
you really are both jerks

wtf did I ever want in either of you?

Lifes not fair.

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You accuse me of betrayal.
You of all people who abandoned me.
You who betrays your own heart.
you who claimed to keep an open heart to our future, but never meant it.
That is betrayal Martin.

The months leading up to the point you thought we could be together, that bad feeling I supposedly give you obviously not existing. When id say something cute youd respond in kind, when id say something provocative youd act interested..
funny how that dynamic works, give and take.
funny how when you pull away and stop responding in kind the dynamic fails
bad feelings are created

funny how you refuse to see even the possibility that most of our issues were related to ourside sources, in our lives and not US. How loving one another could have made those things more bearable...Instead you make everything harder, colder, lonelier.

how dare you tell me we dont work, when it is you who refuses to give anything.
You cannot suck up everything I try to give you, and return nothing and expect it to work.
and yet that is exactly what you have done
How many times can I say I love you and not hear it back before feeling personally attacked

you refuse to look at reality

I DEFY YOU to really put a god damn effort into me and THEN tell me we dont work
I DARE you to make love to me every day for a week and see how many times we fight that week, or the week after or the week after that...
how many times you get that "bad feeling" in those weeks.
I double dare you to to tell me that you love me, and see if Im worried when youre too busy to talk for a few days.

it's EASY to tell me *we* dont work when *you* don't lift a finger.

Asshole

I never fucking betrayed you.
I trusted the wrong people
We have both said hurtful spiteful childish things to one another over the years you are not innocent of this either. That is not a betrayal, it is a mistake done in hurt

. I am loyal to you, always even in all my anger and frustration towards you I speak kindly of you to others.

a few slips, through humiliated tears is a betrayal to you?
fuck you no one can possibly live up to your hypocritical standards

I just had the most horrid thought

You were talking to Brian when I lived in NL..
you said yourself he had some fucked up stories to say about me.. You said it to Aaron..

You call yourself my friend but listen to fucked up stories from my ex? you dont tell me about????
wow youre fucked.

last weekend the moron let it slip that he had been talking to the cunt who signed off on everything prior to all of it happening..he knew it was going to happen before I did.

I had to pretend I didnt notice his fuckup
I had to pretend like i wasnt standing in the same room as one of the people who destroyed me.


now I'm thinking you knew too.

.

You always say "You'll never see how you pushed me away" or some variant of that, but the thing is I really really do see how I did that. I had to for my own self preservation. You were sucking me in, loving me, in all the ways you loved me and then pushing me away, telling me I wasn't good enough to be with even though you were with me daily.

All the years of people rejecting me kids taunting me, griefers griefing , my mother, all of it: none of it prepared me for that. I was genuinely surprised when you did it too. I always seem to forget just how naive I am.

the pain was actually physical.

Maybe you forget how intense it feels to be young and in love...

Maybe you don't.


We're not compatible.

I need to shine in the light of other peoples attention hand in hand with my lover
not shy away from it.

You once told me you were a very open person and not scared of sharing anything with anyone. I took that to mean you were like me. Clearly I was wrong.

It is you who will never see how you fucked this.

I made a mistake. ..I saw you as who you wanted to be rather than who you actually are.

Scared to put your music out.
Scared to put your heart out.

I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to keep hiding.
For better or worse world,

HERE THE FUCK I AM