you win

Dear Justin

he's everything good that youre not
hes everything I wanted that you will never be
he's who I waited my entire life for

You win anyway though dont you?

finding him means nothing when it ends like this.

In large part due to my own fuckups
in small part due to your existance in my life
your abuse to my mind and body
you contributed
I chose to act the way I did but you contributed,
you had a part to play
you win

I found him and pushed him away
you win

[19:15] Ashley Paine: i just feel like puking
[19:16] Johahn Yeah, I feel a little like that
[19:16] Ashley Paine: ;/
[19:16] Ashley Paine: its over
[19:16] AshleyPaine: hes really over me
[19:17] Johahn I think so
[19:17] AshleyPaine: im the saddest girl in the world



Miscommunication: the bane of any relationship. It's almost funny how wrong you are about me. Refusing to go on any poseballs because you thought I'd be jealous. Gimme a fucking break.

The only time I've ever had a problem with ANYTHING you do with other girls is if it's something you're avoiding me to do, or won't do with me.

All I've ever wanted was to feel like I am special to you, and for the most part I do.

Or did..

I'm clearly not special to you any more and haven't been for a while. That hurts more then you'll ever know. Always..

it's like everything we went through was in my head, like you say. I'm no more or less important to you than anyone else.

I miss knowing you were thinking about me
I miss getting phonecalls from you
I miss sharing all of our secrets

why am I unable to stop clinging to the past?
I keep hoping if I suffer enough, if I miss you enough, if I can just prove to you how much I love you you'll let us be something more.

the way we were..

all ive done is push you further away

im no good at this marty im not good with people.

I know I'm trying my best
I know I'm a good person who has made mistakes and god knows you make your own. You're unwilling to forgive me for mine. You insist on fearing me.
you insist on skewing our past, seeing only the bad..ive heard you retell stories omitting entire positive things that happened.

it's sad Marty
it's fucking sad how you are your own worst enemy
seeing only enemies where there is love.

Im not perfect
ive hurt you
I know this

believe me I've paid my penance and then some

fuck

How quickly would I go back to Justin, or someone like him?
how desperate for some outside source of comfort am I?

What person does not require human comfort,
human touch.

it's hardwired in, this need.

we are social creatures. we are sensory creatures.

I am in sensory deprivation

this pain has got to be for something.
I have to make it count for something.
I couldn't bear the thought of all this pain for nothing.
I need to be fucking incredible.

''Sorry can we just be friends?'' is like saying ''The dog died but can we keep it?''

Ecstasy, Irvine Welsh
Chapter 26: Lloyd

This time it was even better than the first time, for me and for her. Ah didnae realise it, but ah fucked up big style the first one over. There's too much at stake when it's someone you're really intae. The first shag stands alongside yir fledgling relationship like a big question mark, when its somebody you really care for, really love. Then once you get it oot the road you can settle down down tae making love. Things like foreplay can come mair intae they ain. It's funny how there's nae embarrassment aboot stickin yir cock intae a strange lassie, but like licking and caressing her are a bit dodgy the first time. Ah should've got E'd up the first time ah made love taw Heather eh, E makes it great fir strangers, the barriers come down so that sex with a stranger on E is magnificent. See wi someone you love though, the barriers should be down anyway so the chemicals shouldn't make any difference eh, no?

Chapter 28: Lloyd

Ah'm sittin wi Ally and ah'm tellin him: - "Ah've never been sae fuckin scared in ma puff, Ally. Mibbee huv tae chill on this realationship thing a bit. It's gettin too heavy.
Ally looks at ays and shakes his heid, - If you run fae this, lloyd, make sure it's fir the right reasons. Ah see ye when yir wi her. Ah see how ye are. Dinnae deny it!
- Aye, but...
-Aye but nowt. Aye but dinnae you start actin the cunt unless thirs something ah dinnae ken. That's aw the fuckin aye buts you need tae listen tae. Dinnae be feared ah love, man, that's what they want. That's the wey they divide. Dinnae ever be feared ah love.

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