Something you said today really struck a chord with me. I guess it was sort of your personal definition of drama. You defined my drama as "Trying to make you feel bad"
You're right
youre absolutely right I am 100% guilty of trying to make you feel bad and I'm really ashamed to admit it.
I have never consciously decided or plotted how to go out of my way to make you feel bad but looking back I can pinpoint hundreds of ocassions inwhich I felt strongly compelled to share my misery with you and often coupled with bitter feelings that you were part of my pain.
I see myself as a very confused and hurting person who grabbed out for help and scratched the shit out of you while my arms flailed about. I never intended to hurt you Marty I"m selfish and weak like everyone else.
Every combination of words I use is lame and does not express what I want to express to you, my apologies and my wish to suddenly be the sort of person who doesn't do this, who does not sabotage things.
I want to express my acknowledgment of everything you have done for me, How you have been there for me and believed in me and loved me and encouraged me through the most difficult shit of my life. There are NO fucking words that can convey such a thing, only actions. Actions I superceded with shitty hurtful ones.
I don't want to be alone when Im hurt and scared and I tried to drag you into my pain so I wouldnt have to be and that was wrong and im sorrry
sorry means nothing
its a fucking word and it means nothing and I fear I won't be strong enough to be the friend I should be
to never ever try and make you feel bad
I want so much to only ever make you smile, to only be a source of happy thoughts and memories and time and time again I fail.
I guess i want you to know that I"m still trying
I haven't given up.
You say I act as though I live in a movie. I feel as though I do. I really feel like I do. They have a fancy name for it, disassociative disorder, or some shit. I don't buy into that crap I think it's an excuse for shitty behaviour but I promise you what is not an excuse is the very real inability to snap my fingers and not feel like everything is a movie. I Spent too many years of my childhood hiding in this fantasy world that I was the star of a show and that's why all this crazy shit was happening in my life, so that the show would be interesting, because that was easier to swallow than, the truth. I spent too many years playing the part and i forgot how to be any other way.,I know you didnt really mean it literally but I do, during high stress situations particularily my head swims and nothing is really real.
I don't want to any more I don't want to always be in a movie, I don't want to always be dramatic and cause people pain nor do I want to be a boring norm, I am searching for a balance.
I haven't given up
